Billy, Don't Eat That HoHo

Parody Performed By: Skip Briggs

Original Song: "Billy, Don't Be A Hero" by Paper Lace

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Note to the legal departments of the companies whose products are mentioned: this parody is about the deliberate misuse of snack foods and is no way a reflection on the healthfulness of your fine comestibles, which I'm sure are perfect in every way.

As I was walkin' down along Main Street
I saw a most immense behind
He turned around, I saw it was Billy
Inhaling Harvin Bacon Rinds
And from a pocket on his shoulder
He pulled a cream-filled Tastykake
He seemed to have an endless supply, and
I thought that I had better say

Billy, don't eat that HoHo
Put down that box of MoonPies
Billy, no more Doritos
You're lookin' twenty feet wide
And as Billy filled his cake hole
With a dozen Cinnabon rolls
Billy pulled out some Rolos
Ate fifty-three

He opened up a barrel of Hot Fries
I watched him eat 'em by the pound
And when I cried "You've got to slow down, boy!"
He simply belched and grabbed a Mounds
He ate a Twinkie that was fried up
And dipped in melted choc-o-late
He swallowed twenty S'mores in a second
Then drank a gallon of Big Red

I said
Billy, don't eat those Cheetos
Say no to all Cutie Pies
Billy, put down those Fritos
Give cauliflower a try
And as seventeen Drumstick cones
Followed Double-Stuf Oreos
Billy grew extra jumbo
For all to see

I saw on Oprah several months later
A skinny Billy on display
He had a book and his own TV show
He now was rich from losing weight
It seems that he had planned it that way